I wish I could remember the exact date that I found out. I am constantly having to go back through my photos to find the date. However, I do remember the experience, which in my opinion is more important then the date. Every new mom is going to have a different experience because no two pregnancies are the same (this is a true fact that). And mine was no different.
The first time I saw two tiny lines on that stick I was terrified. Just a few short weeks ago, I had a mental breakdown and almost ended up in the hospital. And now, here I was staring down at a positive pregnancy test. Don’t get me wrong, my fiance and I wanted kids. In fact, for the last few months we had been trying to conceive with little luck. Only now, the timing was off.
Before I keep going, I want to take a second to explain this breakdown so you have a better understanding of how I was feeling the moment I found out I would be a mom. In high school I suffered heavily from depression and anxiety, something that most teenagers experience. As high school ended and I slowly started to figure out who I was, my depression disappeared. The anxiety stuck around but with a few coping mechanisms, I was able to control the panic.
However, the last few weeks before my positive test, had been rough. Work was busy, home life was hectic, and for some reason old memories floated around in my mind. One night, to relax, I decided to invite a girlfriend over for a glass of wine. The only problem is that one glass of wine equals one whole bottle…on a empty stomach…during a warm spring evening. Needless to say, I set myself up for a meltdown because to top it all off, the two of us had some deep conversations. All of these combined created the perfect storm and that storm hit me hard. My poor fiance was pulled from work by a terrifying call from me. The days following were some of my darkest days. I spent hours laying in bed: sleeping, crying, and hyperventilating. There were times I felt alone. The air would become thin and the walls of my room started to close in on me. Half the time, I had no idea why I was crying. My family was worried, my fiance was worried, and I was scared. But with the love and support of those around me, I came out of the darkness. The next few weeks were rough as I tried to rebuild myself and there are still times today that I find myself having to rethink my situation and breath deeply.
So, the night before I took my test, I was laying in bed, scrolling through my phone. I found myself looking at the calendar and thinking, “Is it really the end of the month…” followed by, “Wait a minute…” and then the counting started. My math wasn’t adding up. There must be days missing. Every muscle in my stomach sunk at the thought of a missed period. As I mentioned earlier, we wanted a kid but I still wasn’t over my meltdown. I was still slowly piecing myself back together and the thought of having a child scared me to death. Because if I wasn’t my best self, how was I going to raise a tiny person.
The next morning I dug out an old pregnancy test and peed on the stick. In just a few short minutes, the test came back positive. Now what? Well, the smart thing would be to check and make sure the test isn’t expired (because an expired test can come back as a false positive). I skipped that step and went straight to papa.
There are things about this part that I wished I’d done differently. In my mind, I always thought I would share the news in a cute and fun way with the papa. However, due to the circumstance, surprising him was the last thing on my mind. Instead, I let my mind fill with “what if’s” and “what not’s.” Thoughts of being emotional unstable took over any thoughts of a happy baby.
If I could change one thing about those first few weeks, it would be the announcement for papa. Because instead of giving him a cute onesies wrapped up in baby gift wrap, I tiptoed into the bedroom and slowly shook him awake.
“We might be pregnant…” I whispered. Slowly I held up the pink stick that backed up my claim. The worst part of it all, my fiance was half asleep when I told him. So instead of the happy dance I was expecting, I got a half smile and “That’s amazing.” The super excited papa wouldn’t come till the second test when he was wide awake.
As I mentioned not too long ago, before anyone takes a pregnancy test, double check to make sure the test isn’t expired. Because mine was and after some long internet reading I found out that an expired test can come back as a false positive. (Is it awful that part of me hoped that it was a false positive?) So off to Walgreens we went to get a new test. Which also came back positive…and so did the third one.
After three tests I had to accept the fact that I might be pregnant and after a day or two I started to feel excited. I couldn’t stop thinking about being a mama. Everyday my excitement grew and all my worry melted away. I was going to be a mama! Before long I was picking out names and dreaming up an ocean themed nursery.
Everything I learned over the next nine months changed my life and they will change your life too. There is an extraordinary amount of information that you are flooded with once you step into the pool of pregnancy. At first, things might seem overwhelming but as the months tick by, that crazy stressed feeling is washed away and replaced with excitement. Sure, there might be days when things seem stressful but you have to remember that soon, you will have a tiny bundle of love.
I am no expert or professional. I am just a mother with some great experiences and a few funny stories. Being pregnant and a mother is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Rather you are a mother of your own children or another’s, there will be moments that you cherish forever. There will be moments that you will want to forget (like childbirth) but no matter what, you will never regret motherhood.
So you peed on a stick and it came back positive, now what do you do? You celebrate. Tell family and friends. Scream it from the rooftops. Surprise the father. And then you go out and buy a prenatal. The next nine months will be a roller coaster of emotions but you don’t have to do it alone. Remember, this is only the beginning of your greatest journey.